Log in

No account? Create an account
13 October 2011 @ 07:33 am
[Filter: Private]

"Home," huh?

People always say "I want to go home," right? When it all gets too much, home is the place you go back to. Safe haven. Everything can be okay, so long as you can go home. It can mean all sorts of things and be all sorts of places but that's what really matters. It's the one place where you can always go, and then everything is safe and normal and good and right, huh?

So what do you do -- how are you supposed to feel -- when life looks you right in the fucking face, and it tell you what your home is so that you can say for certain that you'll never, ever, ever be able to go there? And nothing will ever be safe, or normal, or good, or right, ever again? Ever?

What the fuck do you do, then?


Sometimes I start to think ... maybe I'm getting better. Maybe there's a life worth living.


I'm not, and there's not. I'm just so used to hurting, hurting all the time, hurting every single moment, that I don't even notice it anymore until something jabs it. And the only fucking thing worth living about life is that it's a hell of a lot better than having to deal with the bastards waiting all hungry on the other side. All you can say for living is that it's better than dying.

Mood: indescribableindescribable
13 October 2011 @ 07:48 am
[Filter: Private]

I suppose I'm partly the author of this disaster.

Mn, and I wouldn't say that I feel poorly about it. After all, war is war, and mine is just as important as theirs. More important, really. Squabbling over lines on a map is hardly comparable with something eternal and cosmic, after all. I am a soldier and Lord Isaac was a casualty. None of these men marching off to the border with their horde of filthy rapists would feel guilt if they killed a man on a battlefield. So why should I?

Still ...

Still, it is hard to watch something spiral so wildly out of your control and wonder at the pattern of events that lead to that point, and how woven into that tapestry your own actions are. If I hadn't offered to come North to attend to Lord Peter's alleged debts, then I would never have become suspicious of Miss Beatrice. I would never have discerned her connection to Lord Isaac, nor eventually realized that the Lord was using her as a front for his battles. I would never have put a knife through him, Tarmon would never have been let off his leash, Lady Canti would never have fled into the city, and now we would not be standing here on this precipice with Dentoria on the verge of war. A fairly clear cut series of events, that.

Naturally, everything is linked to something. Might as well take it to mean that Miss Beatrice wrote this history by requiring a Bresan come north to mop up her mischeif. Or Lord Peter, for choosing the Atsirian healer over her. Or Quinn, for making me his future bride rather than Lady Caroline. Or, Dragons, even my father, for getting me on my mother. It goes back and back. Everything is caused by something and it's ridiculous to put the blame on anything further back than the event directly proceeding it.

But I suppose it's only human to look at the point where your domino fell, and see yourself as the one that started it all, silly as it is.

[Filter: Public]

Lady Canti, it has been very heartening to see you more this past week. The lady knight who has been watching over you is a formidable woman. You must feel very well in hand, with her at your side.

And, of course, there are going to be other reasons to feel safe in the near future. I think we'll all feel more secure when we see the backs of the refugees, tomorrow, and wave farewell to the brave soldiers and knights and captains accompanying them. Truly, a chapter is closing.
Mood: guiltyguilty
Symeon of Veirnan
13 October 2011 @ 07:57 am
[FIlter: Private]

Why won't he just -- talk to me?!

This was the one thing going right. The one thing. I'm losing every single thing that matters, and I can't ... I can't ... but at least I could cling to the knowledge that Lancel was healing. I was fixing him. And now ...

He is miserable. There isn't any other word for it. He's absolutely miserable and I don't know what to do about it. I don't understand. I saved him. I saved him, the way that I couldn't save Kyrene, or Mother, or Myca ... finally, finally I saved someone, and instead of being happy with the life I've given them, it's ... it's like I did something wrong.

How could anyone be so disappointed at the possibility of living?

[a pause]

And I miss Lian. I miss her so badly. It hurts, being so separate from her, and wondering if she was ever really there at all. Nothing seems worthwhile. Nothing seems to matter. I can't even take any comfort in Stephanie, anymore. She seems ... so worthless in my arms. It isn't fulfilling to be with her. I only think of what Lian did out of jealousy for her, and how Lian will never be the same ever again, and ...

Lian was all I had left of Kyrene, in so many ways, and now ... now ...

Why, why, why can't he just be happy that he's healed? I don't understand. I don't understand.
Mood: indescribableindescribable
Seraphine (Elina)
13 October 2011 @ 08:02 am
Ah, well, we'll be back in a week or so ...~ I really do wish that I could stay. Full autumn in the court is so beautiful. But my brother did insist that we go and see the vineyards while they're in full production, and we did so want to pick fresh apples in the country~

Oh, and we'll certainly be back in time for the Night of the Dead! It's so very strange in this country ... I'm glad we're getting to see it one more year~~

I'll see everyone when we return ...~?

[Filter: Ian]

I'm so glad that we're doing this, brother. And that you let me blame you. I just ... Rebecca is my friend, but I can't bear to be around this poison any longer. I don't know what to say, or do, and it's just so -- dam frustrating!


... ah, what I mean to say is ... well, ahaha ... thank you ...~
Mood: relievedrelieved
13 October 2011 @ 07:31 pm
[Filter: Private]

...everything still feels like such a mess. Lancel's so upset and won't even talk to me, Symeon's upset, Lian...Dragons, I'm still so angry at her even after she gave me a gift, she was obviously trying to make me feel guilty and it's almost working, I...I don't want to feel guilty! She hurt me! I have the right to be angry at her!

Linnell and Edeyn are the only ones I feel like I can trust. Lissandra, maybe, but she's...well, sometimes she can be intimidating. I feel like I want to be near Linnell and Edeyn more and more but I don't want them to get annoyed with me for clinging...

And that village. How could such a thing happen? There must be an explanation, but...
Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Leisa of Rhia
13 October 2011 @ 07:44 pm
; 66  
[Filter: House Rhia]

Well, I tried writing to him but of course he never wrote back. This is all just so...I still wish we had some sign, any sign that he's okay! I'm trying to stay positive, of course, I know me panicking isn't going to help matters but I'm just so worried!

Michael's been offering to help look for him, though. So if anyone or the knights need help...well, they've got the option of having an extra man along, I guess.

[Filter: Rachelle]

Has Grandpa been asking you about Devine's plans for that night? He's asked me several times, as if he doesn't believe me when I tell him I really didn't know!

[Filter: Devine]

I'm trying again because I'm desperate. Look...I'm sorry about anything that might've happened in the past, I know I was mean to you for a while back then, but...you're my cousin and I don't want anything bad to be happening to you out there!
Mood: tense
13 October 2011 @ 08:55 pm
[Filter: Nathan]

... Uh, wow.

So assuming you and Ian haven't pounded each other into paste, or anything, are you still coming with me to the docks, today?

Just write whenever you're ... done over there~ I'll go through the papers again while I wait, here.
Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Lorcan of Rhia
13 October 2011 @ 09:04 pm
[Filter: Private]

Nothing. Absolutely nothing, everywhere we look. No one has seen him since the Festival. If he left the city, he could be anywhere by now.

No one wants to say it aloud, not with the way grandfather is likely to react, but -- no one disappears. And Devine had no reason to leave the city of his own will. This is kidnapping, murder, or -- both. And frankly, I don't want to be the one who finds the damned body. I don't want to be the investigator. Half the family has a motive for this. It's the ugliest sort of business, and the worst part about it is that a part of me just can't stop thinking that the two of them brought it on themselves. Carrying on so when feelings here were running uglier and uglier, and the business with Hayden's boys, and --

It's never been any of my business. Why is he making it my business now?

I don't want anything to do with it. I want to take my family to Keirnan, settle down, and live my life. Was that really too much to hope for?
Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Elliot (Adrian)
13 October 2011 @ 09:18 pm
[Filter: Private, in Old High Megami]

I need to snap out of this. Dragons, I can't afford this, I can't waste a moment on -- on self pity, and ... and Forbes. Oh, Dragons, it's true, isn't it? I can't afford to waste even a moment worrying about my closest friend. I can't. Never mind that I've been doing it anyway, it's frankly a miracle that all this business has flurried into motion here at once to distract them from what a ridiculous, useless servant I've been, ever since ...

I don't know what he's going to do. He seems to have a better idea, now, but I just keep imagining -- my life, five years ago, with Forbes there instead of me, and -- he's never been as good as I am, not at matters like that. Never, ever. He could learn, but I'm not there to teach him, and he doesn't have the stomach for all the lies. I know he doesn't. I know what it takes, and Forbes ... oh, poor Forbes.

And here I am, trapped here helping the heretic prophet's daughter ascend into a lifelong position of considerable political power. Is this what they had in mind, when they sent me? Is this the Dragons' will, really? I have some trouble believing that. I've converted more people to this ridiculous cause than most goddess faithful have. This isn't pretending, anymore, it hasn't been in in ages. This is who I am, now. All that's left of Elliot are snatches of writing here and there, when I dare. And what's left of Ellius? A memory? Hah.

How can I live with myself, if I stay here, let him flounder?

How can we possibly survive, if I go? I doubt I'd make it to the border. I could take a ship, but ...

Why is my first thought as I even consider that, but what will it do to Karlesta's campaign? Dragons. Adrian. Melyndra would hunt Adrian to the ends of the earth, and I know it.

I can't accept this, and I can't deny this. What do I do? What do I even do.
Mood: indescribableindescribable
Dame Harriet
13 October 2011 @ 09:31 pm
[Filter: Rayla]

I recognize that their situation is awful. Intolerably sad. By all means, let them stay behind our walls and rebuild their lives as best they can. Of course.

But Dragons Light and Dark, Eve, you cannot send them the troops they're asking for. You cannot spare the men. You cannot do this. Do you hear me? Are you listening?
13 October 2011 @ 09:33 pm
Dogs are so silly! It's not even getting that cold yet but Sparky's complaining already, wanting to sleep by the fire or on someone's bed. He's such a big baby sometimes...every year we all say we're not gonna let him sleep on our beds but we always end up doing it. I've been working hard at trying not to spoil the dogs too much these days but it's still so hard! Pets are just too hard to say no to!
Mood: amusedamused
13 October 2011 @ 09:48 pm
[Filter: Private, in Atsirian]

This isn't happening fast enough. Mother can go on all she likes about scars, she is hardly the one that must endure humiliation whenever she wishes to take tea with a cornerstone ally of her campaign.

Mothers above, this is intolerable. Grant me the patience I require. I cannot lose my composure. I cannot let that abhorrent man win this -- awful game.

This awful child's game. He's exactly like them, oh, I still remember how the boys would laugh and tease and find the perfect ways to needle at me, until all I could think was shut up, you little mongrels, shut up. It's exactly like that. Robert Cresyn is no better than the grubby plague scarred outcasts of a dying city and I am the Prophet's Daughter, Holy Faedya of the Goddesses, and he can't touch me. No one can. The Holy Three send us these trials to make us stronger.
Westa of Atsir
13 October 2011 @ 09:59 pm
[Filter: Altair, in Atsirian]

I've heard a rumour that you've been managing to keep your supper from decorating the walls for nearly a full day, now?

I hope it's true. I've been so curious to hear all about whether Darius's ocean adventure was worth missing ... oh, four different depressingly landlocked affairs, since. So? How is that working out for you, Altair?
Mood: amusedamused
13 October 2011 @ 10:00 pm
Well, I find myself in a very unfortunate position!

You see, a few weeks ago, I secured myself a pair of tickets to the concerto that's upcoming next week in the Rosewood Theater. However, a few complications in my life have since come up, and I'm afraid I won't be able to make use of them as I had expected! So, well, I thought, surely someone else at court can make use of them, since I can't! They're very expensive, and I'd hate for them to go to waste, so, here we are, then. If you'd like them, by all means, speak up! First to ask gets them, does that sound fair?
Mood: blahblah
Hazel of Aeda
13 October 2011 @ 10:10 pm
I have been thinking of something I could do to pass the time. A little project, if you will, and I believe I may have found something. Uncle Hayden gave me a cookbook this Festival, and I may as well make some use of it. It could not hurt to er, develop my skills. And Matthias will enjoy it, I think. I hope he will. Oh, and there is even a little section in the cookbook on pairing the meals with wines. I wonder how the authors could have decided on that ...
Mood: contemplativecontemplative
13 October 2011 @ 10:14 pm
I miss Miss Brett!! She was supposed to be teaching me Atsirian and we were gonna practice how to ask questions, and now she's gone and I can't stop thinking about how she's GONE because everyone's talking in Atsirian and some words she was gonna teach me one day!! And now she's never gonna teach them to me!!

I miss her so much!!!
Mood: sadsad!!!
13 October 2011 @ 10:23 pm

This time of year is so beautiful...I love how colorful the leaves have become. Mother complains about them being everywhere, but I honestly don't mind. Well, I suppose they're not quite so beautiful when they're wet and there's a danger of slipping on them, but aside from that...

I went to visit Nansi earlier. The poor girl, she's a bit exhausted lately, the store's been busier than ever and she doesn't even have time to write in here. She seems excited about all the work, though! So many orders coming in, her mother needs all the help she can get. Maybe I should see if there's more I can be doing...sewing isn't my strongest point, of course, but if I can help clean up around the store or anything like that...
Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Fartgus of Lireth
13 October 2011 @ 10:28 pm
Well, then, there they go. An entire mass of backs I doubt any of us are sorry to see marching out of the city. I imagine the people of Emeron and Mansoure must be happy to see the trash turned out from their walls, but oh, I imagine nowhere is as glad to see it gone as Lireth itself.

I know I, for one, will be glad to see things return to some semblance of normalcy.

[Filter: Cathleen]

Hello, dear Cate~

I have a question for you. Might you be willing to humor me, for a few minutes?
Mood: boredbored
Cylina of Coliya
13 October 2011 @ 10:51 pm
[Filter: Private]


He's going to die this time. I just know he is. He's been weak for so long and now with all of this going on, it's just too much. He's going to die. Just like Daddy.

[Filter: The blackmailers]

This is all your fault.
13 October 2011 @ 11:27 pm
[Filter: Private, in Atsirian]

The most important part for my party tomorrow night is covered. I have an impossibly large amount of drinks to serve to everyone. In this, I can assume that half of my job is already done! It's always nice to have that out of the way. As for everything else, the decor is coming along nicely and the staff is preparing for the rush of guests. I expect very few of my own guests to get seasick, which may be a bit of an advantage. No, the sickness will come by other self inflicted means.

[Filter: Ethne, in Atsirian]

I think everything is in order for tomorrow night, love. Everything that's left is last minute preparations. Which is, thankfully, a very short list.

I must say, I do think I can throw an excellent party when I put my mind to it.
13 October 2011 @ 11:54 pm
[Filter: Loki]


If you don't fucking talk to me I'm going to sic my horse on you!
13 October 2011 @ 11:58 pm
[Filter: Private]

It's strange, thinking about home right now. From everything I've seen written from the area now, it looks like once again Korin is spilling over into Dentoria. I never fought on that battlefield, despite the frequency of its happenings. I can quote stories from the last war with Korin by heart. The man I squired under fought in it. The men I grew up idolizing fought in it. The men who advanced in their standings in Lord Roivas's army were the ones who fought in that war.

In all fairness, it wasn't much. Few wars with Korin ever have been.

It's something to hold onto when we men of the north are sharpening our swords, and tell ourselves that there are still chances to fight. There is still a reason to hold onto our culture as long as Koriners are living above us. We're the ones devoted to keep our country Dentorian. We're the ones who are poised to crush men and women who have no respect for legitimate authority, and who would oppose it with armed combat. With Korin, there is always a reason to have an army. Yet, without Korin, the north may have been stripped of its armies long ago. It's well known that we hold a very strong weapon. Any northern lord is a match for any lord south of our territories, and more. We would resist if the King ordered us to lessen our ranks, but could we take on every other lord in the country? No. And that's why we're part of the country. We were the last to surrender to reason.

And yet, all of this -- every last piece of what I've written -- is from the head. In my heart ...

When I see home, I don't see the maps, the armies, and the tactical charts. I'm in my room, surrounded by books. Celeste comes in for her tutoring, and I take out notes I've prepared for her to learn that day. Later, I'm in the tavern surrounded by other knights who I respect, and some who I don't. The politics are only discussions, events that I will have no hand in shaping. I'm not the stalwart authority figure, I'm the humorous uncle figure. Well, perhaps that part has only changed a little.

Now we're here, and every floor brings us one step closer to ... wherever we are going. I'm hoping it's back to the place where, realistically, I will never see again.

Dragons, let it be home.