[Filter: Private, in Atsirian]
I just don't want to be here. I know how that sounds! I do. It's awful, I'm awful, I'm the worst, but everything about this entire situation is so fucking stupid, everyone is so miserable and there's not a damned fucking thing you can do, but it still feels like you're expected to do something, and what do I do?
I can't do anything. I can't do anything for mother or the girls, except sit there and listen and soak in all the misery with everyone! I can't go to Reeve, not that he'd even want to see me, and even if he did, Aes would never forgive me. But I can't go to Aes, either, because Reeve will think I'm siding with her. Or -- he would if he even cared about things like that, right now, obviously he doesn't. He has all of Atsiria on his plate, right now, he wouldn't notice. But I still feel like no matter what I'm doing, I'm taking a fucking side, and I don't want to do that. I don't even know what I believe!
Edalene has to forgive him. She has to give him his seat back. This isn't going to work without Reeve, who else could put all this back together? She has to reconsider. Maybe she can still reconsider this entire thing, is it too late for that? Everything's different, now, with Matthew ... what's the point of it all, now?
That's a horrible thing to say. Mother would probably ship me back to Meatha, lock me up and throw away the key if she heard half the thoughts I've had about this. I couldn't say that to anyone, but isn't it true? Everything is tearing itself apart and there isn't even a point to it anymore, somebody has to stop all this. Who else can do that, except Reeve? He's not always right, but for fuck's sake, he's always -- efficient. That's what we need, right now, isn't it? Someone to put everything back together. Can't we just wait to blame each other and point fingers until after that happens, is that too much to ask, really??